


Doll Heart

by washmymouthout



Category: Naruto
Genre: Depression, Dirty Talk, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Loss of Virginity, Minor Character Death, Personal Growth, Romance, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-12
Updated: 2018-02-19
Packaged: 2018-12-26 21:54:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 15,413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12067713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/washmymouthout/pseuds/washmymouthout
Summary: The flower in Sakura's heart blooms at the thought of him, but when she's around him she's always left the same way: a wilted, harrowed mess.An exploration of Sakura and her love for Kakashi through the years, with an emphasis on her relationship with Naruto and the boy who is stolen from her.





	1. Adolescence (Is Ignorance)

**Author's Note:**

> So, I've decided to change the title of the story because I no longer feel comfortable using "Pacify Her." Sorry if this causes any confusion, but "Doll Heart" is what I had originally planned to call it and I think fits just as well. Thanks for your understanding. 
> 
>  
> 
> It's so hard being a teenager.

15\. 

In her pathetic, babydoll heart, it feels like she’s loved him forever. He’s sewn himself into her soft, pink insides and she’s only spoken to him once in her life. He’s so close I could touch him, she thinks as she looks down at his unconscious form. The fire that burns deep down within her gut flares, wishing, longing for contact, a hopefulness that never goes away. A hand reaching from inside her soul – trying to connect to his, but coming up empty. 

He’s her friend’s sensei, not hers, and there’s no real reason to talk to him. Her embarrassment from when she was a child keeps her from approaching him when he’s actually awake. He waved to her (maybe) when she and Naruto were eating. She’s so young that he has no interest in her, but it still hurts to hear about the women he dates. That longing again; knowing that she would be able to give him what he truly needs (or what she believes he does). 

Kakashi’s been a patient in the hospital since he was severely injured on a mission with Naruto and his team four days ago. 

Sakura has worked at the hospital for three years now, but she’s never felt such sadness and fear over a patient before. When Naruto dragged Kakashi’s body in, Sakura had cried in the bathroom for almost ten minutes before she composed herself and went to help the other nurses. His injuries aren’t life threatening, and Tsunade threatened to kill him herself if he didn’t wake from the coma (his body decided was necessary) after a week, so Sakura knows she doesn’t need to worry her nails down to the beds over it. (She does anyway.) 

The chair is cold where she sits at his bedside, and she prays to whatever god is listening that he’ll be okay. Seeing someone so strong and revered lying on a bed built for the ill, the weakly, the dying, is startling and she’s not sure how to deal with it. She’s loved him forever and all she wants to do is help him, get him back up on his feet, so he can fight and be sturdy again. 

Sakura remembers seeing his masked face out on the street when she was five years old and he was almost twenty. She shook her mother’s arm with wide eyes and told her that he looked like a prince and she was going to marry him someday. He was tall and beautiful, like something out of the books she liked to read. Her mother laughed at that, ruffling her hair to humor her. 

_“Mama, who is that?” she’d asked, pulling on her skirt._

_“That’s Hatake Kakashi, honey.” Her mother replied, tugging her along to visit another shop._

_“He’ll be mine right, mama?”_

_“Maybe one day when you’re not too young for him.” She winked._

_Sakura stared at him and pulled away, running over to him before he moved too far out of sight._

_She tugged on his pant leg. “Kaka-senpai?”_

_“Hello there, little one. What can I help you with?” he chuckled, smiling down at her._

_“I’m gonna marry you, okay? Don’t forget about me so you can find me when I’m bigger.” Sakura’s little fists curled in determination, brow set to let him know she meant business._

_Kakashi bent down to her level and ran his hand over the top of her head. “I won’t ever be able to forget you, don’t worry. Work hard and become a strong kunoichi, okay? Go back to your mom, now.”_

_“Bye, Kaka-senpai!” Sakura skipped back over to her mother, satisfied with his acknowledgement of her._

Not wanting anything more than to please him, Sakura graduated from the academy and flourished under Tsunade’s tutelage. The hospital welcomed her with open arms when she was unhappy with constantly going on missions, and she realized that healing was her calling. Helping people feels good and she’s learned so much from Tsunade and Shizune, and she can’t help but feel thankful to him for instilling this fire within her. Her strength exceeds men who have been training longer than her, and she feels powerful. She didn’t know that she would ever have the potential to be as great as her shishou. 

Sakura looks down at him one more time, and leaves before he wakes. It would be mortifying to have him wake up with her staring at his face like a stalker. There’s still pain as she walks away, however. 

In her little girl fairytale land, she knew she would be with him some day, and in her teenage heart, she hopes that one day she’ll prove herself to be enough for him. 

 

(break)

 

16.

She’s bubblegum hair, rose perfume, and strength in her teens that gets her noticed. 

Sakura and Ino like to show themselves off any chance they get, even allowing some of the cuter boys to take them out on dates. She lets them spend money on her and kiss her cheek at the end of the night, but that’s as far as she lets them get. 

She’s a tease in the truest sense of the word. 

Boys in the village understand: you do not get to fuck Sakura, and you certainly do not get to love Sakura. Many boys try.

Her softness is saved for one man. 

 

(break)

 

17.

Sakura and Ino have always liked to spend their time at Naruto’s because there aren’t any parents there to tell them what to do. 

They’re seventeen (finally) and take advantage of the friendship that Naruto offers up so generously. Neither of them go on missions anymore, preferring to work solely in the hospital, so when he’s gone they take care of his apartment for him. Sakura feels bad for him, she really does. She has no idea what it’s like to be an orphan and have no one to watch over you, but sometimes he’s so god damned annoying she’s able to forget about how it makes her heart ache. There’s always a fluttering within her chest, however, no matter how much she tries to ignore it, that reminds her how lucky she is to have him. All the times that he’s stood up for her, regardless of what it cost him, saving her from being shunned as he was when he was so young. 

The girls like to lay on his bed in skimpy clothes and talk about the hottest boys in the village. Sakura isn’t convinced that anyone is more beautiful than Kakashi-senpai, but Ino says it’s a tossup between Shikamaru and her own sensei, Asuma. Naruto sits on the floor and whines that he’s gonna stop letting them hang out here if they don’t think he’s at least a little cute. 

Sakura kisses Ino for the first time to get information about Kakashi out of Naruto. 

“Please, tell me something else about him!” Sakura whines, rolling around on his sheets like a child, knocking into Ino as she does. 

“No way! You’re way too obsessed with him. He’s so old!” Naruto gripes from the floor. 

“Don’t you dare say that! He’s perfect!” she narrows her eyes at him. 

“Is there something we could do to convince you?” Ino says coyly, shifting closer to Sakura on the bed. “How about a game?”

Naruto’s eyes widen and he gulps. “Like what?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” Ino traces the side of Sakura’s face with one dainty finger. “How about for every question you answer, we’ll do something you want us to?”

Redness overwhelms his entire face. Sakura looks at Ino skeptically, but decides to go along with it. “Yeah, okay.”

“Like what?” Naruto stutters. 

“Like, who is he dating right now?” Sakura suggests. 

“The lady from the hat shop.”

“Ew, okay. What do you want us to do, Naruto?” Ino asks, voice dropping lower. 

“Kiss!” Naruto blurts out before hiding his face in his hands. 

“Sure, but you might want to open your eyes for this.” 

Ino leans in and the first thing Sakura realizes is that Ino’s lips are soft. The second is that this is her first kiss on the mouth. The third is that it’s not gross or weird, in fact, she really, really likes it. It’s not just a peck, like Sakura expected, but a slow, unhurried kiss, and a sharp tingle runs through her core when Ino’s tongue runs along the seam of her lips. Ino knows how to kiss well, so well that Sakura makes a mental note to ask her later where she learned it from. 

Sakura finds herself chasing after Ino’s mouth when she pulls away, trying to get the warmth and slick back, which makes Ino chuckle. 

“Holy shit.” Naruto breathes. 

“Next question, Sakura. I like playing kiss and tell.”

 

(break)

 

18.

The game turns into something dangerous, Sakura comes to find out, when they start asking Naruto about mundane things just so they can all kiss each other. 

Sakura is in love with the game. The closeness the three of them share when their limbs are tangled in Naruto’s bed is something small and precious that she holds near her heart in her little palms. 

Sakura wants to be held and kissed, wants to be treated tenderly. She wants to be someone’s baby. The tightness in her chest she gets when she sees classmates fall in love torments her constantly and she hates it. Feeling so pathetic and desperate is mortifying for someone who can smash boulders into dust. Her two friends are the only people that know her whispered secrets of being so in love with Kakashi that she thinks she might die from it. They’re sympathetic, and so she steals their attention, drinks it down into her soul, like the pathetic girl she is and will always be. 

Things have escalated this time, turning the game from something lighthearted and fun to something they may never be able to come back from as friends. 

Sakura’s lost her shirt, Ino has no panties on under her skirt, and Naruto is in the process of removing his boxers. She’d always promised herself that her virginity would be saved for Kakashi. In her fifteen year old mind, Kakashi was the only person worthy of being that close to her; the idea of even being intimate with someone was so scary and far off that waiting for him didn’t seem bad in the slightest. Now, though, she has urges. She doesn’t want to wait. She loves Naruto and Ino, and sharing this part of herself with them seems like something to be cherished. She’s safe and loved in a place she thinks of as home, and suddenly the thought of being with someone doesn’t seem so scary.

“Come on, Naruto, take it off and I will.” Sakura says, and Ino’s head whips toward her so fast Sakura worries for her. 

The girls can see Naruto physically gulp, but he slowly inches his boxers down his hips and they fall to his feet. His face and neck are flushed, and he’s probably waiting for them to laugh at him, but that’s the farthest reaction they could be having. Sakura catches herself licking her lips as she eyes the light trail of white-blond hair that leads from his abdomen down to the curly thatch that nestles around his obviously hard cock. She casts a nervous, but excited, glance towards Ino (who looks just as enamored, if not more), and knows that it’s now or never. 

True to her word, Sakura unclips her bra and lets it fall to the floor. Naruto and Ino stare at her chest, and it makes her flush, but she can’t stop now. Her skirt is the next to go and then she’s taking the biggest plunge of her life and slowly slipping off her panties. She lowers herself back down next to Ino, grips Ino’s hand tight, and spreads her legs. 

Naruto touches Sakura between her legs for the first time and her head falls back, chest heaving. He takes her virginity that day, and Ino’s the next. 

It’s the most magical, intense experience, and the three of them get to share it. 

She realizes that this was what she had waited for, Kakashi be damned. 

 

(break)

 

20 (Part 1).

Ino goes on a date with Shikamaru after admiring him for fifteen hundred years and their love-affair is sized down to two. 

Sakura isn’t that jealous, funnily enough. They knew eventually that their time together would have to come to an end. A polyamorous relationship such as theirs is not exactly widely accepted, and the possibility of their secret being exposed weighed heavily on their minds anyway. She’s okay with it, and she knows that Ino will always love her, even if she can’t show it. Thankfully she still has Naruto. 

“Harder.” She commands, gripping Naruto’s shoulders tight as he slams his cock into her. 

“You’re bossy.” Naruto huffs, but increases his pace, always trying to please her even when she’s rude to him. 

They’re surrounded by the quiet of Sakura’s own apartment after a night out with friends, and she feels comfortable, relaxed with Naruto inside her. 

“We’ve been doing this long enough, I’d like to think you’d know how to do it right.” Sakura pants. 

This is what works best for them: she tries to get Naruto as angry as she can while he’s fucking her (because it’s just better this way, holy shit) and he unleashes the filthiest dirty talk he can to rile her up even more. She loves this. 

“What, you think you could find someone else that’ll fuck you better?” he snarls. 

He slows his hips until all she can feel is the slow drag of his cock in and out of her, sending shivers up and down her arms. She tries to buck her hips against his to get him to speed back up and she whines as he continues to tease her. Naruto leans down close to her ear, bracing himself on his elbows, and slows to only a grind. 

“Or do you think Kakashi would do a better job?” he whispers. 

Her breath catches in her throat and she lets out a low groan. Bringing up Kakashi is something he saves for when he’s really tired of her bullshit because he knows how it destroys her. Sakura doesn’t imagine that it’s Kakashi who’s fucking her because she doesn’t want to forget that she’s with Naruto. Naruto is solid and warm and so lovely when they’re like this that it would feel cheap to use him that way. 

“I bet he’d take you home after dinner and get you a drink,” he continues, kissing up and down her neck. “then kiss you a little, try to warm you up. He’d assume you’re some sweet little virgin who needs him to take it slow, but then he’d lift your skirt and find your panties already soaking wet. Isn’t that right?”

Sakura shakes her head, trying to move away from Naruto and get closer to him all at once. 

“He wouldn’t know that you’d been ready for him all night, that he could have fucked you on the table, right in front of everyone. He’d touch you and you’d beg him to fuck you, just like the slut you are. Wouldn’t you, Sakura-chan? You’d spread yourself wide open for him, show him all this pink that only I get to see, and he’d laugh at you.” He’s mocking her, being so fucking mean, but he’s started fucking into her with all that anger, and it’s so perfect she could cry. 

“Yes!” she sobs. 

“You’re not with Kakashi, Sakura-chan. He wouldn’t ever touch you because you’re not a good girl.” Naruto says, grunting as he lifts her right leg onto his shoulder to change the angle. She scrambles to hook one arm around his neck and the other on his waist as he lifts her up, and her eyes practically roll back into her head at the sensation. 

“No! I’m a good girl!” Sakura cries, clenching harder around his cock as she feels herself getting closer. “Naruto, please!”

“That’s right, you know who you’re with. Come for me.” 

Sakura’s eyes close and her head falls back, mouth open on a silent scream as she shakes around him. She vaguely hears Naruto cry out as she trembles and she can feel him spill inside her. His hips slow and then he’s pulling out and collapsing next to her. He pulls her into his arms, rubbing her back and shushing her. 

“You were so good, Sakura.” Naruto kisses her temple.

“You’re a dirty man.” Sakura laughs, but lets him baby her all the same. 

Naruto smells like salt and wood and home when she’s able to take the time to breathe him in. His love is indescribable. He doesn’t shame her for still wanting Kakashi after all this time and they’re both free to date whenever they want to. She doesn’t feel the desire to be with other men (other than Kakashi, of course), though, when she has him right here with her, cuddled so close they share the same breath. 

Something that she’s not sure she could describe happens after they’ve been together, a pleased ache almost, that renders her practically useless. A rush of love for him that’s stronger when she’s pliant and sated, compared to the irritation at his crass performances for others. Here, in the stillness of her bedroom, he’s a soft, sweet version of himself that she can melt and mold her body to. She wants to keep him here, like this, forever. 

She’s content, and if he is too, well, it’s good enough for her.

 

(break)

 

20 (Part 2).

Life for Sakura is easy.

Train, go to work, come home, shower, fuck Naruto, go to sleep – repeat.

The monotony of day to day life is easy on Sakura’s anxiety and the repetition of her schedule keeps her from having a nervous breakdown. 

Really, life is easy, until she’s appointed co-director of the hospital because Shizune needs the extra help. There’s no way she could say no to Tsunade, so she accepts the position and finds herself in charge of a large number of nurses and doctors that don’t always like to listen to her. 

The hospital has become her home, whether she likes it or not, now that she spends most of her days and nights there. Her patience is running thin after three hours of sleep on a cot in the breakroom and she’s _this_ close to losing her shit. 

She’s trying her best not to yell at a younger nurse that gave a patient the wrong amount of medicine (even though Sakura told her exactly how much to give him three separate times) when Kakashi and Naruto come through the front doors. They’re laughing, Naruto talking animatedly at Kakashi. She notes that neither of them look injured, and she breathes a sigh of relief, so she sends the nurse off with a final warning, to which the other girl looks grateful. 

She moves to make her way towards them when Naruto spots her. He says a quick goodbye to Kakashi before running over to her excitedly, and she vaguely thinks that he looks like a puppy. He picks her up and swings her around, laughing about how great his date with Hinata was, and she allows herself to look at Kakashi properly as she clutches him. His head rests in his palm, one elbow leaning on the front desk as he charms one of the girls there. He looks so devastatingly gorgeous that she almost feels lightheaded. Kakashi spares her a glance and she looks away quickly, cheeks flushing, embarrassed at him catching her.

Sakura’s never felt guilty about sleeping with Naruto before, but being able to stare at Kakashi so closely stirs a cloud of something dark and ugly inside her that makes her ask Naruto to put her down. Seeing him like this is too much to bear. The invitation for Naruto to follow her to her office is given, and she sees Kakashi exit the building out of the corner of her eye. 

Why couldn’t she bring herself to just talk to him? He was right there! It’s not like he remembers her and that would be the obvious first step in trying to form a relationship with him. She’s so dumb. 

In that moment, she feels fifteen and sorrowful all over again. Pathetic and weak to her own heart, and she feels like she’s betrayed herself and Kakashi all at once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've almost completed the story, so updates should be fairly regular. Some of the tags reflect later chapters. From here on out it'll be a much bumpier ride. Thank you for reading!


	2. Adulthood (Is Agony)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry.

21 (Part 1).

Dating is not fun for Sakura. She doesn’t like it now that she’s older and it feels weird to have to put herself out there. 

Naruto and Hinata have been seeing each other on and off for a year now, and Sakura decides to let him go. He promises her that if she needs him, he’ll still take care of her, but she doesn’t want to put him in that position. If he has the chance to start building a life with someone, she won’t be the one to keep him from it. 

There are nice guys that take her out for drinks and she sleeps with a few of them, but none of them interest her. Most just want to brag about how dangerous their missions are and how they almost died trying to save a group of children or something stupid like that. She doesn’t have time to nurture egos. 

No one is special, and Kakashi still avoids her. 

Sakura starts to believe that maybe she’ll just end up alone. 

 

(break)

 

21 (Part 2).

After months of flirting, Sakura caves and goes on a date with a nice boy that works at the hospital. Ritsu has shaggy, sandy blond hair that he doesn’t take care of and blue eyes that remind her of the Land of Waves. He’s not a shinobi and that suits her just fine. She likes being able to lift him up into the air with one palm. 

Ritsu doesn’t try to feed her bullshit and he likes her for her. He teases her about her hair, even though his is a fucking disaster, and makes her dinner if he gets home from his shift first. He makes the bed because she gets up earlier than him and does her laundry when she’s horrible and forgets about it. He doesn’t see her as someone to tame or as a conquest. 

He’s an active person even though he’s never been on active duty and he likes to run with her on their days off. Sometimes he sits when he can’t keep up with her anymore and offers his praise in whoops as she smashes trees to bits. 

Ritsu lets her know on her lunch hour that he’s tired of paying for his own apartment when he hasn’t slept there for the eight months they’ve been together. She shyly suggests that she wouldn’t be upset with the idea of him moving in with her. 

The smile he gives her takes her breath away. So, this is love. Something mutual, something tangible that she feels with every slender finger. 

Sakura falls in love with Ritsu for simple things. He’s someone real. 

It’s so easy.

She slowly forgets to think about Kakashi. 

 

(break)

 

22 (Part 1).

“I’m home!” Sakura yells while slipping off her shoes in the front hallway. 

“I’m in the living room!” she hears Ritsu call back. 

She smiles. “I saw Ino at the hospital today, I got to hear the baby’s heartbeat! I’m so excited to be an aunt, you have no idea.” 

“Sakura,” Ritsu starts, and she frowns when she comes to stop in front of him where he’s sitting on the couch. 

“What’s wrong?” 

Her mind races at a mile a minute. Did someone die? Did you lose your job? Did you cheat on me?

“You know I love you, right?” His face is solemn, hands clasped together in his lap. 

“Yes,” she says slowly. “What’s going on?” 

“I’m so proud of everything you do, do you know that? I wake up every day and I can’t believe you’re mine. You’re the only person I want to be with. I’ll love you until I die, Sakura, I promise.” His face is serious and sweet, and her heart pounds in anticipation. “I don’t know how to say this, but I want to marry you. I didn’t want to do the whole getting down on one knee thing because I figured you’d laugh at me or something. You should still say yes, though.” Ritsu smiles as he watches her face morph from panic to anger. 

Sakura hits him lightly (for her) in the shoulder. “You jerk, I thought something was really wrong!” 

Ritsu pulls her into his lap and nuzzles her neck. She can feel the slight stubble on his cheeks and she feels weightless. “So, what do you say? You wanna try making this work for the rest of my life?” 

“Baka, you never even had to ask.” 

She doesn’t cry. Much. 

 

(break)

 

22 (Part 2).

Sakura and Ritsu marry on a day when the sakura blossoms are in full bloom. Ritsu had insisted on it. 

The shrine is old and beautiful, and her own parents were married here long ago. Sakura has dreamt about being married in this place her entire life. 

Sakura and Ritsu don’t have the most traditional of weddings, but it’s theirs, and everyone they’ve ever loved is there, and it’s perfect. No one would ever be able to tell her otherwise. Sakura’s uchikake was her mother’s and she opts for a simple flower in her hair, courtesy of Ino. Ino also insists that she carry a bouquet of flowers, the kind that were in season when Ritsu asked Sakura to marry him, and Sakura is so touched that she can’t say no. Ritsu looks breathtaking in his black kimono and he cries when he sees her for the first time. Villagers from all over Konoha come to pay their respects to the wonderful woman who helps run the hospital and the shrine’s grounds overflow with a sea of people. 

As they’re leaving the shrine a flash of white in the crowd catches Sakura’s attention. She smiles reassuringly up at Ritsu before letting go of his arm so she can move towards the edge of where their friends and family have gathered. 

Kakashi is leaning up against a large camphor tree that’s sprouted its small white flowers in celebration of the spring. In his hands is the Icha Icha book he never seems to be without and his hair rustles in the wind. 

Sakura’s heart is in her throat as she stares at him, and she can feel tears prick at the corner of her eyes. Seeing him is jarring, after all this time. What are the odds (after getting over him, after not feeling like she’d die without thinking about him, without feeling small and breakable –) that she sees him on the day that she isn’t she really his anymore? She lets out a small sob, quiet enough that no one around her can hear, yet his head swivels towards her lazily. Their eyes lock and Sakura is frozen to his gaze, completely paralyzed. 

The bouquet falls from her hands. 

Kakashi walks away, and Ritsu touches her arm.

The flowers continue to bloom. 

(the flower in her heart withers.) 

 

(break)

 

23.

Although their marriage is wonderful in every other way, Sakura and Ritsu are unable to get pregnant. She’s reduced her hours at the hospital so she can spend more time at home with him and get adjusted to a schedule that would accommodate children, but it never seems to stick. 

After trying the natural way for a year, Ritsu convinces her to have Tsunade check to see if everything is okay with her. 

Everything is not okay with her. 

“I’m sorry.” Tsunade says. “I wish there was something we could do.” 

Sakura puts on a brave face at the hospital. On the inside, she feels broken, unworthy, useless. 

Ritsu holds her as she cries that night in their bed. Tells her that it’s not her fault and he still loves her. Their life is just as complete with only each other as it would be with children. Sakura knows that he means every word of it, but she still feels like she’s failed him. 

They stop trying.

Sakura tries to move on.

She's always wished for too much.

 

(break)

 

24 (Part 1).

Sakura gets woken up by Naruto at three in the morning.

Ritsu works the night shift now and they have breakfast together every morning. She’s still getting used to going to bed alone.

“Sakura, you need to come to the hospital.” Naruto says.

“I have work in four hours!” she grumbles angrily into her pillow. “Come back then. They don’t need me that desperately!”

“You have to come with me.” Naruto repeats, and something about the waver in his voice makes her sit up in bed. 

“Did something happen?” she asks, frowning.

“Sakura.” His eyes plead with her. 

She knows then that it’s either Ritsu or Kakashi. 

She’s too ashamed to say it aloud, but thinking about both names send her into a tailspin.

She’s barreling out of the window, still in her sleep clothes, and onto the rooftops without asking another question. Her heart is racing so tremendously she’s afraid she’s going to pass out before she even gets there. 

Tsunade is waiting for her when she arrives. 

“Where is he?” she asks frantically, and she’s not quite sure who she’s asking for. 

“Room 8b.” Tsunade takes her by the shoulder and guides her gently down the hallway. 

Sakura’s heart pounds and tears slip out of her eyes at a constant rate that she’s trying to ignore. 

Naruto is already there waiting and he gives her a pained look before he opens the door. 

It’s Ritsu. 

He looks so cold, like a bad wax figure – so foreign to her she almost wants to laugh because it’s such a bad imitation of him. Sakura has seen plenty of dead bodies after working in the hospital for half her life, but this is something she never thought she’d have to prepare for. This body in this bed is not her Ritsu. Her stomach turns, and she gags and hiccups before rushing to his side. Her hands are immediately on him and someone is screaming. It’s loud and defeating and painful for the others to listen to. 

“I can fix him!” Sakura sobs, pushing her chakra into his chest in pathetic waves that wobble visibly. 

“His heart failed sometime during his shift. He was gone before he hit the floor, Sakura. He’s been suffering from this for a long time, possibly his whole life. It was just a matter of time.” Tsunade tells her, voice breaking. 

“Why didn’t he tell me? There are treatments he could have gone through! We could have stabilized him!” Sakura cries and cries, unknowing how to stop, how to deal, how to process. “Ritsu.” It’s so unfair, something so easily treatable taking him from her, stealing him away like a breath. Like he meant nothing. 

Sakura collapses at his bedside in a heap, shoulders shaking and whole body convulsing. Naruto, the sweet, sweet boy and best friend that he is, gets down on the floor with her, pulls her into his lap and crushes her. His shushing makes her feel equally better and worse. 

Tsunade is standing in the doorway when she looks over and notices Kakashi, who hovers in the hallway like a ghost.

 

(break)

 

A gentle shake of her shoulder rouses Sakura from a fitful sleep. Her dreams were filled with blackness and Ritsu was running from her in every one. Each time she’d get close enough to try to grab him, he’d disappear. Sometimes into the sea, other times into the forest, or just in a crowd of people. Her fingers clench around his limp, cold hand and she can feel, truly for the first time, that he’s gone. She’s alone, no Ritsu and no children. 

“Sakura, we have to take him now.” 

“No.” 

“You can’t stay here.” Tsunade’s voice is stern. 

“Give me five minutes,” she whispers. “Please. Let me say goodbye.” Tsunade sighs, but quietly shuts the door behind her. 

Sakura buries her face into Ritsu’s side and tries not to cry. “I’m sorry I didn’t know. I’m sorry I didn’t ask how you were feeling. I don’t know what to do without you here. I didn’t think I’d have to worry about losing you this early. I mean it’s not like you leave and put yourself in danger. I wish you had told me. We could have worked through this together. I’m sorry that I couldn’t give you a child. Maybe that would have kept you around longer. I’m so sorry I couldn’t save you.”

Getting up from the bed is almost impossible; she wants to go back to sleep right there with him and not move again. She tells him she loves him, kisses him on the forehead, and opens the door to let Tsunade know she’s ready.

Saying goodbye to him is one of the worst things she’s ever had to do. 

 

(break)

 

24 (Part 2).

Messages bearing condolences are left in her mailbox. The Yamanaka’s place the flowers she’s sent from mourners on graves, per her request. Her doorbell goes unanswered. 

Naruto and Ino come to her house to bring food and clean for her.

She stays in bed, mostly, except to go to the bathroom and change her clothes. His pillow still smells like him. There’s no reason to go anywhere when Ritsu won’t be there waiting. 

“You stink.” Naruto says, flopping onto the bed with her. She hadn’t heard him come in; her senses are dulling, apparently. 

“Yeah, well, I still smell better than you ever do.” Sakura retorts, back facing him and not moving to greet him. 

“Let’s take a shower. I need one too.” 

Naruto pulls at her shoulder until she’s forced onto her back to face him. His mouth is set in a firm line, but his eyes are soft. He looks so familiar to her that she has to blink to make sure he’s really there and not an illusion. The shock of blond hair and blue eyes that remind her a little too much of Ritsu (but were home to her before Ritsu even existed in her life) and the creases near his eyes and around his mouth that show he’s getting older than he feels. Naruto is home, even after all their time apart, he simply is. He runs his hand down the side of her face and she leans into his palm as he caresses her. A few tears escape from her eyes as she stares at him, but he just brushes them away with his thumb, not voicing his concern for her own sake. He’s always known what she’s needed. 

Sakura allows him to pull her up and he supports her with an arm around her waist as they walk to the bathroom. Her legs are weak from lack of movement, but he holds her up, keeps her from collapsing. He removes her clothes carefully before stripping himself of his own. 

When the water is finally warm Naruto guides her under the spray and lathers soap on a washcloth. Sakura finds herself giving in to Naruto, leaning onto his chest as he washes her back in slow, even strokes. 

Water runs down Naruto’s face and Sakura can’t help the rush of emotion she experiences as she stares into his eyes. She leans in and kisses him slowly, so slowly that it’s more tender than even the first time they kissed all those years ago. It takes a few seconds for him to respond, but then his lips are pushing back against hers and something in her soul loosens. She’s not alone in her grief – Naruto had been just as close to Ritsu and he’s hurting as well. She was just too absorbed in herself to notice. Her heartache is what’s motivating her now, what’s causing her to seek comfort in someone so familiar, searching for something to soothe her pain, and he does. His mouth is like a balm on her aching insides. 

Sakura’s lips remember his mouth, as if they had never stopped being intimate with each other, easily falling into a rhythm that quenches her thirst for human contact and gives her an awareness she lost when Ritsu died. Her heart pounds in her chest as his hands bury themselves in her wet hair and she has to pull off to get air. 

“I love you.” He whispers into her hair, and she clings to him, wishing she could put into words what she feels for him. Wishing she could give him what he deserves. Hoping that he doesn’t mean it in the way she knows deep down in her heart that he does. She doesn’t deserve it. 

 

(break)

 

24 (Part 3).

“Kakashi-sensei, this is my best friend, Sakura.” Naruto introduces them and if Sakura didn’t already feel like the walking dead she’d probably drop dead right there from meeting the man she’s adored since before she was in the academy. 

Tsunade thinks that the way to get Sakura out of her funk is to send her on a mission. Her “funk” is justified, she’d snipped, while also defending herself by using the argument that she had finally gone back to work, which was progress in itself. Naruto piped up and suggested sending her with his team on their next mission, as they’ve always needed a medic. “Right, Baa-chan?” No matter how much she argued, Tsunade wouldn’t relent, and she couldn’t disobey with her shishou. 

Naruto’s team consists of himself, Sai, and Sasuke. 

And Kakashi, her pre-teen flower heart never forgets to remind her. 

“Nice to finally meet you, Sakura. I’m thinking you’re gonna be a great addition to our team. Maybe you’ll be able to keep these boys in line.” Kakashi smiles at her from behind his mask and his lone eye creases. 

Her thighs squeeze together. Keep it together, Sakura. 

“Hello, Kakashi-senpai. Thank you for allowing me to join your team.” She says as normally as possible, but she knows her face is bright red. 

“Let’s get going, the trip will take about three days.”

Sakura lags behind the group as they begin their run, and she uses Kakashi’s form as her guide the entire way. 

 

(break)

 

Naruto and Sasuke bicker the entire first day, and Sai is ruthless, though she doesn’t think he really understands what he’s saying. Neither of the boys seem to get along with Sai, but they tolerate him, at the least. She knows that Sai grew up in Root, so she tries not to take what he says to heart, although Naruto can’t seem to control his emotions around him. Sai has called her ugly and asked Kakashi why she’s there when she’s practically useless, but she just shrugs it off. It’s not like she hasn’t heard those same words before. 

The team is bounding through the treetops at top speed when Sai looks over at her. “You look terrible, hag. Is it because of your dead husband?” He asks her and Sakura stops on a branch behind the others. Just stops, head hanging low. Call her whatever name you want and she’ll just ignore it, sure, but this hurts. She can’t deny that. 

“What the fuck, Sai?” Naruto says angrily. 

It’s so uncomfortable, everyone looking at her to see if she’s all right. Naruto yells at Sai and Sasuke has the decency to at least look shocked. No tears escape from her eyes and she doesn’t fall to her knees, but her body begs her to, pleads with her to just lay right there in the tree and not ever get up again. Her brain won’t let her though, won’t let her show them her weakness.

“Are you okay to keep going?” Kakashi asks, touching her lightly on the shoulder, and it burns. 

“I’m fine. Sai just said what everyone’s thinking. It’s not his fault he has no filter.” Her smile is watery.

Sakura jumps down to the forest floor and braces herself on her palms against an adjacent tree. Her right hand pulls back, shifting into a fist, and the tree flies, leaving ruin in its wake. 

Satisfied with the destruction and feeling just a tiny bit better, she continues running on their path. She doesn’t see Naruto’s smirk and the surprised look on Sai and Sasuke’s faces. 

 

(break)

 

24 (Part 4).

Sakura offers to take first watch the second night into their mission because she can see how tired the rest of the boys are. She doesn’t mind, not really. It’s not like she’s going to be getting much sleep anyway. This mission is already exhausting and her mind is a jumbled mess right now. 

The fire Sasuke built is warm and she lets it seep into her aching bones, allowing herself to relax a little. Being around Kakashi is still giving her heart palpitations and the overwhelming sadness that continues to crush her makes her feel disoriented, like she doesn’t know which way is up. She still misses Ritsu, more than anything in the world, but the constant depression she’s been experiencing is starting to get to her. Feeling empty on her own is something she was used to as a child, but now she’s a fucking adult (kind of) and dragging her heels to avoid moving forward is not what she wants. 

The mission is going as planned, they’re making good time. A caravan needs escorting in two days and it will take them another day to get there. She’d never really been a fan of taking missions in her teens, although they had been exciting as a child, so she’s not surprised that her distaste has not changed. The boys on her team always underestimated her, always wanted to be the ones to save her, even though she didn’t need them to, and that bothered her. Getting out of Fire Country isn’t helping her at all, like Tsunade and Naruto expected. Sakura wouldn’t even need to be going on a mission if Ritsu were still here. 

She’s crying before she realizes. 

Kakashi stirs behind her and she tries to wipe her tears as discretely as possible. He rises slowly and walks back over to the fire, sitting next to her on the log she found. He’s so, so close to her and she feels fifteen again. The fire crackles and that’s the only noise for a while, which makes her tense. 

He stretches before he turns to her. “I know you haven’t been on a mission since you were a girl, so if there’s anything you need, just let me know.” She doesn’t look at him. 

“Do you remember me, senpai?” Sakura asks, low and quiet, suddenly wondering where this bout of courage is coming from. 

Kakashi sighs. “Of course, I do. It’s not every day that little girls profess their love for me.” 

“It’s embarrassing now that I’m an adult. I didn’t know any better.” Her face flushes and he knocks his shoulder into hers. 

“I thought you were adorable, if that’s any consolation.” 

He grins at her from behind his mask and she can’t help it – her heart has taken over her entire body – and the world flips on its axis and she opens her eyes and stares into his lone shocked eye. 

Her mouth is pressed to his clothed one. 

“Oh, my god. I’m so sorry!” she whispers, pulling away quickly.

Of all the dumb things that she’s ever done, this takes the cake. He doesn’t even know her and she’s forcing herself on him already. Is this what grief does to people? Why is she like this? She’s an adult now and she still doesn’t know how to handle herself around him. Ritsu has only been dead for a month and yet. She wants this. She wants to be comforted and taken care of. She wants to forget the staleness of her life and her home and the pain within her chest. She wants to feel alive again.

Her emotions have always competed, always tried to one up each other in fucked up ways that she’s never been able to control. Her feelings for Ino, for Naruto, for Ritsu, for _Kakashi_. Overwhelming feelings when they shouldn’t be there, a lack of them when she needed to have them. They’ve always been a tangled mess inside of her and now she’s not quite sure what she can do to rectify this awful mistake that she’s made. Will he hate her? Does it really matter, though? She knows he’s been dating someone thanks to Naruto, but she doesn’t know how serious they are. He’s never been one for marriage, she’s noticed, and his flings don’t seem to last that long. Sakura wants to be his baby, to be his and have him be hers. She doesn’t want to lose someone else so close to her. She wants him to have a change of heart and decide that he doesn’t need anyone else in the village, in the world. She’s always been so god damned selfish. 

She wants to kiss him again. Kiss him and let him fuck her and destroy her in all the ways he may want to. If he does want to. He probably thinks of her as the child she’s always been and Naruto’s friend. 

Kakashi looks surprised at first, and then his face melts into something darker that makes her ache between her legs. She’s nervous, rightfully so, and doesn’t know if he’s going to kick her off the team and send her back home. She can’t tell if he’s angry. 

“Sakura, do you know what you’re doing?” he asks, a rumble to his voice that she hasn’t heard before from him.

She falters. Does she? Her heart races as she tries to think of something to placate him. “That was inappropriate of me, senapi. I’m so sorry. I guess I just got caught up in finally getting to talk to you.” 

“Say it, Sakura. Do you understand what being close to you means for me? Do you know what you’re starting?” The anger, the baritone in his voice does something to her squishy insides, makes her melt, makes her want to submit. 

“I, I.” Sakura looks at him, wide-eyed and dumb. “I shouldn’t have presumed.” Baka, what does that even mean?

Kakashi lifts his hand and threads his fingers through the hair at the nape of her neck, pulling her closer to him and she shivers. This is all she’s ever wanted. He tilts her head, angling it closer as he brings his lips near hers, and whispers, “I’m not going to take advantage of you when you’re hurting.” 

He gets up then and leaves her there. He always leaves. 

She gasps, sucks in all the air that had previously left her body, and cries. 

Isn’t this everything she’s dreamed of?

(her flower heart wilts all over again.) 

He doesn’t speak to her the rest of the mission, unless it’s to give orders. 

(something in Sakura breaks.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was really hard to write, but I hope you enjoyed. Thanks for reading!


	3. Maturity (Is Acceptance)

25.

Sakura hurts. 

Everything hurts, and honestly, she’s not okay in the slightest, but she pushes on. Lets her work consume her. Allows it to swallow her whole and keep her distracted because it’s the only way she knows how to keep living. 

Work is her entire life. The patients, her staff, and Tsunade are what keep her going. Healing others means more to her now than it ever had before Ritsu died. Her hands are kept busy and her mind is focused on the person’s life in her hands, so she doesn’t have to think about how lonely she is. 

Naruto and Ino get Sakura to come out with them every once and a while, but being around couples is hard. It’s selfish of her, she knows that. She doesn’t want to think of her ex-lovers going home to their partners at the end of the night when she’s alone. 

Her taste for dating hasn’t changed, so she doesn’t. Men and women are very nice to her, but she finds herself turning down any date that’s offered. The people that want to be with her, take care of her, possibly love her are all wonderful, but she doesn’t want to burden them. Her life comes with so much baggage, and she doesn’t want them to have to take that on. She wants Kakashi. 

Sakura hasn’t spoken to Kakashi since the mission and it’s tearing a hole through her. It feels like a disease tearing through her insides that she can’t treat. Now that she’s talked to him, touched him, been in his presence, she wants him even more. She misses him like she knows she’d miss her chakra were it ever to leave her body. Sometimes she’ll see him when she’s walking around town doing errands, but he gives her space. 

She doesn’t want space. She’s so tired of the space. 

 

(break)

 

Her loneliness is like slow torture. 

She doesn’t know anything anymore.

An extension of her innermost self is gone. 

Her inner Sakura is gone. 

 

(break)

 

It’s raining.

If she walks from the hospital it takes around ten minutes for her to get home. The rain came as she stepped out of the building like a bad omen, and it hasn’t slowed in the hour she’s been walking.

Sakura is too afraid to stop and go home. Home means loneliness, and quiet, and a bed that isn’t made because she can never be bothered, and no food in her fridge. No one tells you that once the shock of a death has worn off, everyone forgets about you and what you may still need. Life resumes for those who aren’t directly haunted by the dead. 

There’s no one for her to blame but herself, she supposes. The rain is what she deserves. 

Stupidly, she has no umbrella, so she’s thoroughly soaked and beginning to shake from the cold by the time she ends up in front of Kakashi’s building. Her feet decided to bring her here without even bothering to see if she would object (she wouldn’t have) and now she must face what she’s done. 

She looks up at the four stories of the apartment building and realizes that she has no idea what his apartment number is, let alone what floor he’s on. That would make for a sight, showing up at his door looking like a drowned rat in the middle of the night. She’d probably say something stupid anyway and embarrass herself. For being so strong, she sure is dumb. She should never have come here.

Her eyes and body and bones and soul are tired, so she decides to sit on the stoop to get out of the rain, just for a little while. She closes her eyes and she sees Kakashi’s face. Remembers his fingers in her hair and the low tone of his voice. It was the closest she’d ever been to him and he rejected her. She knows she’s a mess, but does that mean that no one will ever want her?

What is she supposed to do to feel better other than try to move on? How can she stand being this lonely and alone and empty for the rest of her life?

That doesn’t seem very fair to her at all. 

Rationally, it’s understandable that Kakashi wouldn’t want anything to do with her when he doesn’t even know her. That’s not hard to understand in the slightest, but how does she try to move forward with him, try to get him to want to know her?

She’s not really as crazy as she comes off, so maybe if there was a way to show him- 

“Sakura, what are you doing here?”

Her head whips up so quickly that she bangs it on the wall behind her and she curses. Kakashi’s looking down at her, umbrella in one hand and a shopping bag in the other. 

“I,” she stumbles over her words, lips and teeth chattering. “I didn’t have anywhere else to go.” She sounds so pathetic that she winces, trying to ignore the pins and needles in her legs as she stands. 

“I was just out getting dinner. Do you want to come up?” he asks, holding open the door for her. 

“I shouldn’t. I don’t mean to be a bother.” Sakura says quietly. 

“I have plenty.” His eye smiles and the swooping of her stomach gives her the push to follow him inside. 

Kakashi lets them in and she deposits her shoes by the door after him. 

“I’m sorry for putting you out like this.” She apologizes, teeth chattering as he drapes a towel around her shoulders. 

“You’re not.” Kakashi reassures her and begins pulling food out of the bag, placing it on the counter. 

“Your girlfriend probably won’t like that you’re having another woman over so late.” She says casually, and then her cheeks are burning as she spins away from him quickly. It’s out now; she couldn’t stop herself, like always. 

The damage is done. 

She’s gonna have to leave, embarrassed and ashamed, and he’s never going to speak to her again because she’s so insecure. 

Sakura seals her mouth in a thin line and turns to apologize again, eyes flicking to his guiltily. 

Kakashi clears his throat. “That’s an odd thing for you to say.”

“Sorry. I don’t know what came over me.” 

“That seems to happen to you a lot. Sit and we’ll eat.” He points to the stool next to the counter and she sits dutifully. 

It’s extremely awkward, having him stand across from her as they eat and not knowing what to say. Avoiding him is hardly easy when he’s being so nice to her. His apartment is small, smaller than hers, but nice and fairly clean. There’s nothing personal in his living room – no pictures or mementos to give her any insight to his life. She can’t believe he’s let her in to his home. 

“So, how would you know if I have a girlfriend or not?” He sounds amused, pushing another container over to her. 

“Well,” she starts, swallowing a bite of food slowly. “I’ve always just asked Naruto. I suppose Ino and I used to do things so that Naruto would tell us who you were dating.”

“Ah.”

“But it wasn’t weird or stalkerish or anything like that!” Sakura hastily stumbles out. “We were just curious.”

“And would he tell you?” It’s infuriating that she can see him chewing from behind his mask, but she misses seeing his face when he pulls it down. She frowns.

“Yes.”

“And you believed him?” 

“Should I not have?”

“I suppose he might have known about a few of them.”

“If it’s true you’ve dated some truly horrid women,” she snorts, and then under her breath, “the damned lady from the hat shop.”

“That was almost ten years ago now. Are you jealous?” Kakashi smiles.

“No! Of course not, don’t be ridiculous. She was just awful.” 

“I thought she was rather lovely. Now, don’t try to put this off on me. What kind of things would you and Ino do?” 

A cold shiver goes up her spine as she stares at him in shock. Telling him would mean outing Ino (and herself), while also showing him just how damn desperate she was. 

“Is it that bad?”

Time to put up, or shut up. “Naruto would dare Ino and I to kiss each other, and he sometimes joined in. And then eventually, well, he stopped having to dare us and it just happened.” 

“I guess I should be flattered then that you went through all that trouble to get information about me.” Kakashi winks at her, although it looks more like a blink. He’s teasing. She feels so relieved.

A laugh bubbles out of her and she throws her head back, missing the way Kakashi’s eyes soften as he smiles with her. 

 

(break)

 

When Kakashi walks her home, holding the umbrella over her head as they stroll, Sakura feels light, like she’s floating. Feels more like herself than she ever has in possibly her whole life, and she wants to do this with him forever. 

Tonight was better than anything she’s ever dreamed of. 

He winks at her to say goodbye, and then she’s alone again, heart racing, but happy, as she shuts the door. 

 

(break)

 

After three years of being in a serious relationship, Naruto finally gets the courage to ask Hinata to marry him, so Sakura sucks it up and takes him out to celebrate. It’s like a quiet bachelor party that only they’re invited to. Sakura tries to forget about her worries and problems and just enjoy her best friend’s company. They eat ramen and end up wrestling at the training grounds, like when they were little. 

She lets him pin her, same as all the times they’ve ever trained together, and she laughs, huffing into his face to try to catch her breath. She realizes he’s not laughing with her; his face frozen, terrified, as he looks down at her. Worry races through her and she cups his face in her hand. 

“Hey-” Sakura starts, but Naruto kisses her, fingers digging into her hip for dear life, and she’s so stunned that she can’t pull away from him. His kiss is desperate and rushed, like he knows this will be his last chance. Her free hand clenches in the grass, kissing him back for only a few moments because it feels so _good_ to be touched like this, and it feels like she’s found home again in his mouth. 

She can’t let him do this. 

As hard as it is, she pushes him away. His head falls into the crook of her neck, his whole body trembling, and she keeps her voice hushed and low as she whispers to him. “You love her. You know this wouldn’t be okay with her anymore. You’re faithful to her. Don’t try to go back into the past because you’re scared. She loves you more than anyone, more than I ever could, and you know that. I never could have given you what you wanted. I know we’ll always love each other, but it’s time to let go. You will marry her, and you will happy.” His body is wracked by sobs and she wraps her arms around him, clinging to him. 

The lonely little boy she knows she ended up with in another lifetime cries into her neck as she cradles him, and she knows that she’s done the right thing. 

She just wonders why it hurts so much to do it. 

 

(break)

 

The wedding is a small, quiet affair that Sakura has absolutely no interest in attending, even though that probably makes her a bad person. 

Sakura isn’t jealous, cross her heart. (Yeah, sure.)

Even though it’s the last thing she wants to do, she dresses up, makes herself look nice, and goes to Hokage Rock. There’s maybe fifteen people there, and she hugs Naruto tightly before she goes to sit down in the front row next to Sai. She smiles, thin-lipped and Sai gives her one his fake smiles that makes her want to teach him how to really be human. Kakashi is missing, ever late as always, and she hopes that he does eventually show up. There’s no one else here that she wants to interact with except for him. Talking to Sai doesn’t interest her now and waiting for Hinata to come out is honestly making her even more anxious. 

Right before the music begins to play, Kakashi comes rushing in and takes the seat next to her. His clothes are quite nice, compared to what she usually sees him in, and he looks extremely handsome. There’s pain in her chest at the sight of him that makes her wonder if she’s developing Ritsu’s heart condition. He smiles at her, though, and that helps.

The music starts as Hinata walks towards Naruto, and the way he looks at her, God, the way he fucking looks at her makes Sakura cry. Her husband used to look at her that way. Naruto’s looking at her like she hung the moon and created the stars, like there’s no one else he ever wants to see in his lifetime. Sakura wonders distantly if he told Hinata about their kiss, but it doesn’t even matter, because it seems like her speech worked.

She’s so alone. Her breathing quickens, eyes shut as tears slide down her cheeks. Completely unable to be happy for her best friend, absorbed in her grief. Selfish as always. 

Kakashi grabs her hand suddenly, and she looks down in surprise. His large hand dwarfs hers, palms clasped together tightly. 

“You can enjoy Naruto’s day, while still acknowledging your pain.” Kakashi whispers to her, head still facing forward. 

Sakura takes a blubbering breath, and whispers back, “Thank you.”

He squeezes her hand and they stay by each other’s sides the rest of the evening, sometimes not even speaking, just being a solid presence for one another. 

He’s like a friend, and that gives her hope she didn’t know she had left. 

 

(break)

 

“You’re going with Hatake’s team again.” Tsunade says to her and Sakura kind of wants to stomp her feet in protest. 

“Why?” Sakura can’t help but groan. “They didn’t even need me last time.”

Tsunade’s brow arches. “Last time you spoke to me this way, did it get you out of doing what I wanted?”

“No.” She grumbles. 

“So, you’re wasting my time arguing because…?” 

“I’m a fool, apparently.” Sakura says under her breath, and accepts the scroll from Tsunade’s perfectly manicured hand. “What’s the mission?”

“We’ve got a request to find some rogue shinobi just outside of Fire Country. Some traders were attacked two days ago and by the intel we’ve gathered the enemy is highly dangerous. You are not to engage in any combat, understand?” Tsunade says curtly, tilting her head in emphasis. 

“Yes, Shishou. I will not engage in any combat and just wait on the sidelines until one of them gets hurt. I’ll stand there like a pretty accessory until I’m needed. I _get_ it.” Sakura grits her teeth.

“You’re lucky you’re you, because any other person that talked to me that way would be thrown out that window. You leave tomorrow morning. Now get the hell out of my office.”

 

(break)

 

Her ears are ringing.

The ground is hard and, although she can’t see them, she feels people moving around her. Everything feels so slow, like she’s been stunned. Where is she? 

She coughs and blood leaves her mouth, but she’ll deal with that after she addresses the god-awful pain that’s radiating from her side. 

“Fuck,” Sakura moans, reaching down to try to feel for the damage, but someone grabs her wrists before she can.

Forcing her eyes open is a feat, but she manages and it’s Naruto shell-shocked, worried faced that she sees first. His mouth is moving frantically and it sounds like she’s under water. 

“I can’t hear you,” She’s pretty sure she says, although she’s not quite sure. “Are you hurt?” His cheeks flare in anger at that, so she assumes that whatever happened to her was worse. 

She tries to recall what happened. They’re a week into their mission. Enemy chakra was detected near their camp and then they were ambushed. Sakura remembers seeing the young enemy nin reach into his pouch and knowing that she needed to push the distracted Naruto out of the way, putting herself in the heart of an explosion. No wonder he’s so mad at her. 

She heals her ears first, and she can finally hear him cursing at her, his voice almost at a scream as he yells at her to heal her side first. 

“I can’t see it.” She pants, and the pain is starting to worsen. Her body shifts and Kakashi is pulling her shoulders up into his lap, resting her head on his chest. 

She looks down and gags, spitting up more blood. The world darkens for a minute before a hand is smacking her in the face to keep her awake. There are dark burns covering her legs that are starting to blister, and now that she sees them she can smell them and that makes it so much worse. That, at least, she knows she can fix, but the excruciating pain makes sense now, because there’s a gaping fucking hole in the right side of her stomach. 

All she sees is a pool of blood where her insides used to be and oh, god she might pass out before she’s able to heal it. 

“Sakura,” Kakashi says, hands stroking the sides of her arms. “You’re a medic. Come on.” 

The feeling of his hands on her calms her, lets her take a ragged breath before she reaches down and allows the chakra to flow through her hands. 

As she stitches the perforated piece of her lower intestine she can’t help it – fuck – she screams. Crying out for Ritsu and thrashing so much that Naruto and Sasuke have to hold on to her legs so she doesn’t reopen the wound. Kakashi’s hands are in her hair, whispering in her ear constantly, but she can’t hear him. For how silent her world was when she regained consciousness, now her head is so loud. Voices that she knows and some she can’t recognize yelling at her, angry at her for doing this to herself. She wants to yell back at them, tell them to leave her alone, but she feels so weak. 

She cries as the hole slowly stitches itself back together, and she knows that she shouldn’t be doing this to herself. Her injuries are too severe to be healing them alone, but she has no other choice but to do it. It’s going to scar, but what’s another scar on the outside when her insides are full of them? It’s probably a good thing that she can’t have children to begin with considering the damage, and she hopes distantly that Kakashi wasn’t planning on extending his bloodline. 

When the hole is merely a wrinkled mess of pinched skin, Sakura collapses back onto Kakashi, sobbing and shaking. Her chakra is nearly depleted, she can feel it like a warning, but her legs still need to be dealt with if she doesn’t want a nasty infection. 

“As soon as your legs are done, we’re going home, okay?” Kakashi murmurs in her ear. “You’re okay.”

Somehow, now that she can hear it, his whispering helps her push through and heal them. She can hear Naruto still cursing ahead of them, but she’s too exhausted to care. Kakashi picks her up without waiting for the others and begins their run back to Konoha. She sags against him, succumbing to his warmth and the pain. 

 

(break)

 

Sakura is forced to stay in the hospital for a week for chakra exhaustion. She’s a terrible patient, she knows, and thankfully for the nurses she’s too weak to fight back while they treat her. There’s no lasting damage. 

Her friends come to visit her and they’re all concerned. Tsunade is worried about her mental state. Sakura insists that she’s fine and that she was just worried about Naruto, but no one believes her. It’s frustrating that it feels like the people closest to her are betraying her by not trusting her word. 

Kakashi forces her to the training grounds the day after she’s released. She expects him to go easy on her since she’s freshly healed, but that’s not the case. 

He beats the shit out of her, to put it lightly. No punches are pulled, and even though he doesn’t have his Sharingan out, he’s still faster and can calculate her every move. Every hit is like a reminder of her failure during their mission. It’s like she doesn’t know how to fight anymore. She’s getting more and more frustrated, but he’s unaffected by her movements. 

“You’re weak.” He says, moving around her quickly and striking her in the back. 

“I’m not weak!” Tears fill her eyes and betray her as she struggles to keep up with him. 

“Then why are you crying?” 

“Because I’m angry!” She punches and it’s quickly deflected. 

“Why?”

“Because my life didn’t turn out how I planned.” Another blow to her side that knocks the wind out of her. 

“Is that why you stepped in front of that explosive?” Kakashi stops hitting her, looking at her expectantly. 

She starts to deny it instantly, but the look on his face makes her shut her mouth. Trying to protect Naruto was taking an unnecessary risk, she knows that. But, what is she supposed to say? 

When he understands that she’s not going to reply, Kakashi walks away from her. Sakura doesn’t follow.

 

(break)

 

Ino forces her mother to watch the baby so that she can drag Sakura and Shikamaru to a bar. 

Sakura resolutely tries to refuse, but it’s no use. When Ino has a plan there’s no stopping her. 

She’s well on her way to getting drunk as they sit in a corner booth of the hazy room, and she tells Ino the full story of how she got her injury. It sounds worse when she says it out loud. 

Ino whistles. “You fucked up.”

“Yeah, no shit. Now everyone’s mad at me and thinking I’m going to try to kill myself.”

“Well, look on the bright side, that probably means no more missions!”

Sakura and Ino cheer and clink shot glasses before draining them, and Shikamaru sighs. 

“You could have lost your job at the hospital.” He says, bored and leaning his head in his palm. 

“Oh, look, it’s Kakashi.” Ino nods her head, and Sakura’s head swivels to where Kakashi’s sitting at the bar, a drink being placed in front of him. “You should go talk to him.”

Sakura’s tipsy enough. 

“Hi Kakashi-senpai.” 

“Yo.” His eyes stay on his book, ignoring her completely as she stands in front of him. 

“How have things been?” She tentatively asks. 

“Fine.” He says curtly. 

“Are you angry with me?” She asks, eyes widening in surprise. 

Kakashi slams Icha Icha closed, downs his drink, and stalks out of the bar. Suddenly, she’s not so drunk anymore, and she races out after him. 

The air is cool as Sakura chases him over rooftops, but she’s broken out into a cold sweat. She feels nauseous, panicked at his hostility. Kakashi is moving with purpose toward his apartment and she struggles to keep up with him. He almost slams the door on her to the building, but she catches it and follows him inside his apartment. 

Sakura quickly removes her shoes and pulls at his shoulder to turn him around. “What the hell, Kakashi?” 

“Go home.” Kakashi says gruffly. 

“No. I’m tired of this. I’m sick of you avoiding me and not talking about what’s wrong. Look, I’m sorry that I worried you, but I’m fine.” She feels brave, like she can challenge him and try to get him to talk to her. She’s not afraid of the consequences like she normally would. 

Kakashi sits down on his couch and runs his fingers through his hair. “It angers me that you’re careless with your life. Why would you do something like that?” He sounds tired, disappointed in her. 

She sighs, and plops down next to him. “I don’t know why I let myself get hurt like that. I guess I just figured that Naruto has a future, and I couldn’t let anything happen to him. How could I come home and have to tell Hinata that I couldn’t protect him? I couldn’t live with that.” She shakes her head, unable to imagine a world without Naruto. “It’s why I don’t like going on missions. It’s why it was so easy to be with Ritsu, I didn’t have to worry about him leaving and not coming back.”

“It’s our duty as shinobi, Sakura.”

“I know, but that doesn’t make it right. You leaving scares the shit out of me. I wish that you never had to take another mission. My track record with men I love is already in the negatives, and I never know what will happen to you.” 

“I accepted long ago that this is the way the village works. It’s life. What happened to Ritsu is also life, people are all going to die at some point.” Kakashi says, seeming increasingly more annoyed as speaks and having to explain this to her. 

“I just don’t know how to be okay with it. We send children to their deaths every day. Boys and girls who have their whole lives ahead of them and they come back to their mothers broken and lifeless. My boy did everything he was supposed to. He never left the village, never went on missions. He didn’t have one thousandth of the chakra needed to do what we do. And still. Still he was taken from me by an illness that we don’t even think about unless we’ve been critically injured to begin with.” Sakura stares at him with big, wide green eyes that pierce through him. “This is some big joke played on me by the gods. I shouldn’t have gotten married in that shrine. They knew my heart belonged to you and this is their punishment.”

“So, are you meant to atone for the rest of your life? Wallow in self-pity and bring misery to every life that you touch?” Kakashi says overdramatically, and she wants to hit him for being like this. 

Sakura looks down at her hands, fingers clenching her thighs tightly. “I don’t know what the gods want.”

“The gods don’t care what mortals like ourselves are doing. You control what aspects of your life that you can. You cannot control death, as much as your hands wish they could.” 

“He should have told me he was sick. I couldn’t control that. I was his wife.”

“Obviously there was a reason he didn’t.”

“To hurt me?” She laughs bitterly.

“Why does it always have to be about you?” He says sharply, and her head jerks up towards his, his eye cold and angry. “It was his body, not yours. You’re not a child, so stop acting like one. There are reasons as to why he wouldn’t tell you he was dying.”

“His heart was slowly weakening. We could have delayed some of the damage for a little while, at the very least.”

“Maybe he was done delaying the inevitable, maybe he didn’t want to fight it. Can you imagine how you would have treated him if you knew? I don’t know if I would have told you, as selfish as that sounds. You would have obsessed over him and treated him like a child. He died doing what he loved and he spent his last day with the woman that he loved. I don’t see much wrong with that.”

“Is that what you really think of me?” Sakura asks, stunned.

“Are you trying to convince me that’s not exactly what you would have done, or yourself?”

“Are you purposely being cruel to me to push me away?” Her eyes sting and she rubs at them with the heels of her hands. 

“No, I’m trying to get you to wake the fuck up.”

“Wake up? I’m awake enough to know when something isn’t fair!”

“You don’t want to talk to me about fair, little girl. What would happen to you if I didn’t come home from a mission?” His face is hard, a mean shell that she knows she won’t be able to pass, and her blood runs cold, and she swears she’s not shaking. “What if one day I die with your hands in my chest and they stain with blood that you’ll never be able to wash off? What becomes of you then?”

“You’re an awful man.” Sakura gasps, feels the onset of panic clawing its way up her throat, as she clutches her chest. 

“You should have known that by now. I almost lost you on that god damned mission. I finally have you in my life and you’re blown to pieces by some stupid fucking kid. I had your blood on my hands, when I’ve lost everyone I’ve ever loved, and you’re trying to talk to me about fair. Get over the entitlement. We’re not guaranteed anything in our lives.”

Kakashi’s words seem so final. She’s unable to process anything he’s said other than him insulting her, and she’s not sure what to say back to him and then suddenly she’s furious. 

For the first time, Sakura walks away from Kakashi, and exits his apartment. 

 

(break)

 

Sakura doesn’t expect to find Kakashi in her home the next morning after their argument. In her pajamas, messy hair, and sleep deprived state, she sees him from the hallway standing in her living room. It’s the first time he’s ever been inside. She doesn’t know how he got in or why he’s come to see her, but she’s mesmerized by him, stops to just stare because she can. He looks so comfortable in a place that isn’t for her anymore. 

Somewhere in the back of her mind she knows that what he said to her wasn’t mean at all, just the truth, and she isn’t mad at him. The reality is that Kakashi could die any day, from anything, and that’s something she’s going to have to face. 

His back is slouched as he reads the titles of dusty medical journals and books that litter her bookshelf. There are pictures scattered throughout the shelves that she hasn’t been able to take down because it would hurt too much. Most of them are of her and Naruto, some including Ino. She knows what picture he’s gotten to when he bends closer to get a better look. It’s her favorite. She’s laughing, eyes closed with her head tilted up towards the sky, but Ritsu is smiling at her, eyes shimmering with adoration that transcends the film. 

“You shouldn’t have shown up that day.” Sakura says, breaking the silence to stop the aching in her chest. 

“I wanted to see you.” He replies, continuing to scrutinize the photograph and not turning around to look at her. 

“What?” That’s definitely not the response she was expecting. “Why would you have wanted to see me?”

He clears his throat and finally turns around. “Sakura, are you under the impression that this is one-sided?”

She squints at him. “I don’t understand.”

Kakashi advances towards her and she feels the sudden need to shrink herself down as small as she can, pressing her back against the wall behind her. The idea that he could possibly return her feelings is not something she ever believed would really happen, she realizes. She wants to believe him so desperately it hurts. 

He stops in front of her and cups her cheek. He’s getting so bold with his touches now. “By the time you were old enough for me to properly court you, you were with Naruto, then Ritsu. I figured eventually I would get my chance.” He looks mournful as the corner of his mouth ticks upwards behind his mask. “And then I come home from a four-month mission and it’s your wedding day.”

Her mouth scrunches in an ugly way that happens when she’s trying not to cry and he brushes his thumb against it slowly. Her body is still, air frozen in her lungs, and her eyes slide shut and she can’t help but lean into his touch. 

This hurts so much more than she ever could have expected. He’s never been so free with his feelings and they’re painful feelings he has _about her_. Realizing he’s wanted her for basically all her adult life, but she was always taken by someone else, hits her like a shock. Wondering if he ached for a touch he’d never known, her touch, is almost unbearable. Her own thoughts seem unreliable now, always thinking she’d never get to have him, he’d never be interested. 

He was always right there under her nose, always leaving, but giving her the choice to follow if she so wanted. She wonders if she ever would have seen it on her own. 

“You looked so grown up, so happy to be with him. I didn’t think you’d actually see me.” She feels him lean in close, and then the soft brush of his mask against her temple before he’s whispering, “I’m sorry I made you cry, but you looked so beautiful.”

The truth laced behind his words races its way through her body, a tingle that shoots through her spine and ruptures at the top of her neck, that renders her pathetically weak. Her knees wobble and she clutches onto his arms. He’s warm and such a solid presence; he’s so different from anything she had ever imagined. She’s close enough to smell him and that’s what finally makes her cry. She feels drunk on his confession. 

“I can’t apologize for being with them.” She cries quietly, shaking her head, trying to be honest with him. “I loved them.”

“I would never have kept you from them. You needed to have life experiences before trying to navigate a relationship with a grumpy old man.” Kakashi holds her face in both hands and presses his forehead to hers. “You came into my life when I was lost and angry at the world. Just a little girl in the market that I promised to never forget. You were worth waiting for, Sakura.”

Her eyes flutter open, tears clumping in her lashes and blurring her vision, but she sees him, with honest clarity, for the first time. 

Kakashi is just a man. 

A man, not some shining god or untouchable killing machine. He’s not the man who haunted her dreams.

Kakashi is a man who has seen too much war and is undeniably getting old. He’s cynical and wounded underneath everything, but right now, in this moment, he’s hers. 

He’s a man of few words around others, but with his hands on her – being so real and good and alive – he’s speaking to her. The words she’s imagined herself hearing for forever are coming out of his mouth and seeping into her skin. 

He waited for her like she’d demanded of him twenty years ago. 

Sakura’s not a child anymore though, and she needs to stop acting like one. He was right. She can’t hide behind anxiety and wallow in her misery any longer. 

Tentatively, she removes her hands from where they’re gripping his arms and they hover over the edge of his mask. She looks up at him, anxious and questioning, waiting for his signal. Instead of answering her, Kakashi slowly moves his hitai-ate away from his eye, and it’s the first time she’s seeing the closed lid. 

As she’s about to drop her hands, feeling foolish for pushing him when he was going to give her this gift anyway, the eye flicks open and she can’t help but stare into the blood red of his eye, the tomoe that pin her there. Fear might have been her first instinct if she had anything left to lose, but as a medic, she’s so curious. She wonders if the eye hurts him and if he’d be willing to let her inspect it with her chakra. 

“Go ahead, you’ve earned this.” He says when she doesn’t move, albeit a little roughly. 

Sakura takes a deep breath and slowly hooks her fingers under the edges of his mask, pulling it down to finally reveal his face to her. His face is breathtakingly gorgeous, like she’d expected, and her eyes don’t know what to look at first – his lips, the gray stubble on his cheeks, his slightly crooked nose. She can’t believe what she’s finally seeing after all this time. Her mouth unabashedly hangs open a little as she lets her fingers trace over his lips. Sakura wants to devour him, or let him devour her, she doesn’t really have the mind to care. 

“Are you going to stare at me all day or are you going to let me finally kiss you without my mask? I’ve been kept waiting for a very long time, you know.” Kakashi huffs, and she laughs, loud and breathy, before leaning into him. 

His lips touch hers, skin to skin, and she feels something in her chest break free. It’s a kiss that poets write stanzas and sonnets about, a tale that gets passed down for centuries by little girls who dream about the loves of their lives. Nothing could have prepared her for this. 

Sakura feels so small and delicate in his arms, breakable like a doll. 

(please handle with care: contents fragile)

Every missing piece of her life seems to click together by just him kissing her. 

“I love you.” He says against her mouth. “It’s always been you, even if you didn’t know it.” 

“I can’t give you children. I don’t know if you know that.” She says, head bowing slightly into his chest. 

“I’ve known for a long time.” Kakashi breathes into her hair, and she’s relieved that he doesn’t sound upset about it. “I’m old, Sakura.” 

“Yes, you are.” She sighs.

“I’ll surely die long before you.”

“I know. We’ll deal with that when it happens.” 

 

(break)

 

Sakura and Kakashi stand in her bedroom apart from one another. 

The air feels charged with electricity. Neither of them move. She’s too afraid to break whatever moment they’re sharing to make the first move. 

Kakashi is actually in her bedroom. 

After all this time, she has him right where she’s always wanted him. All the heartache, the pain, the torment, the loneliness – everything has been worth it to get to this point. She gives him a small smile, and holds her breath, feels her heart pounding wildly in her chest. This nervousness is exciting. 

He gives her a lopsided smile in return (that makes her stomach swoop) and he pulls her into his arms. His kisses stun her again, turning her on until she can’t take it anymore. She wants everything that he’ll give her. She steps away and removes her sweats, while he takes off his shirt. 

Kakashi sits at the edge of the bed, and Sakura climbs into his lap. He kisses her passionately, running his hands along her sides, and gently brushing his thumbs against her nipples. She pants against his mouth, grinding down into his lap. Her thighs tremble around his and she strokes his neck, fingers tangling at the hair on the nape of his neck. 

Slowly, he releases her mouth and pulls her shirt carefully over her head. His head bends, lowering his mouth to her aching nipple, and gently suckles. Sakura moans, and she can feel herself getting so wet for him, her core pulsing with every suck and grind against his hard cock. She loves that he’s as turned on as she is, that she can feel how much he wants her. 

Pushing him to the middle of the bed, Sakura begins unbuttoning and ridding him of his clothes until he’s naked like she wants. She looks up at him and he looks wrecked already, flushed and breathing hard, and she wants more. 

She takes his cock into her mouth, wrapping her small hand around the base and caressing him. Her focus is him – his musky smell, the salty taste. Hearing him moan as she bobs her head makes her whine around his cock, and she can’t help the way she grinds her pussy against his leg, desperately trying to get some friction. His fingers slide over her hair and he plays with her nipples again. She eventually has to pull off to get some air and he rolls her over so that he can pull her panties off. 

Kakashi positions himself between her legs and inhales, moaning, before licking up her slit. Sakura throws her head back and cries out when he takes her lips in his mouth and sucks. His finger finds his way inside of her, flicking upwards, and she sees stars behind her eyes. He alternates between sucking on her clit and licking his way up to her breast, until he can feel her trembling. She doesn’t think she’s ever felt this much pleasure before in her life. She’s never felt this satisfied before. 

On his way back up to kiss her mouth, he presses a soft kiss to the scar on her belly, pressing his cheek against it like he’s overcome with emotion. Sakura feels so incredibly loved and cherished, like he’s savoring every part of her. 

She pulls him back up and puts him between her legs. Taking him in her hand, she guides his cock to her soft warmth. He pushes in slowly until he gets to the hilt, waiting for her to get adjusted to his length. 

“Move. Please, Kakashi.” Sakura moans, and he begins to thrust into her at a steady pace. 

Kakashi holds her close to him while he fucks her, his forehead pressed to hers. She can feel herself spiraling, twisting on his cock, when he reaches between them and uses two fingers to rub at her clit. Her thighs shake as she comes, and her mind goes blank, completely consumed by the pleasure. 

He thrusts a few more times, tucks his face into her neck, and groans. Sakura squeezes around him as he comes inside her, and she feels relief like she’s never known. He collapses onto her and stays there for a while, pressing kisses into her neck as they come down. 

As he cleans them up, Sakura can’t help the rush of love she feels toward him, how much he means to her. Kakashi is hers now. They could do this every day if they wanted to. 

When they lie down on their sides, he pulls her to his chest and she has never felt safer. 

If there’s a heaven, this is it. 

They sleep. 

 

(break)

 

Sakura is drifting in and out of blissful unconsciousness, but she feels warm fingers and soft kisses on her face. She sighs sleepily and leans into his touch. He kisses each of her eyelids and she swears it feels like an _I love you_. 

She pulls herself to the surface of the water that is sleep and blinks up into his eye. She thinks she whispers his name and it makes him smile, and then he’s kissing her and calm is all she feels.

 

(break)

 

26\. 

Sakura strolls through the market, stopping occasionally to look at different fruits that she may want to take home. It’s a beautiful day out. The air is crisp, but the sun feels warm on her face when she looks towards the sky. The apples she’s already bought at a stall awhile back sway by her side in her bag, and she plans to buy bread as well for sandwiches. Shopping puts her at ease. She likes the bustle of the crowds and the dull rumble of voices that fill her ears.

She feels normal. 

At twenty-six years old Sakura feels whole and her life is so at peace that she can enjoy going out for groceries. 

She’s happy. 

As she approaches the bread cart she sees the familiar mess of white hair that she loves to run her fingers through. 

Kakashi turns, holding a loaf of bread up in greeting that he’s already purchased for her, and his head tilts with a smile. 

There’s no mistaking the fact that he only has eyes for her. 

Marriage is not something she needs from him to know he’s hers. She sees it in his face that she’s his until forever. She feels it in the way he holds her hand when she’s sitting next to him. She understands his love like a song his soul sings to her own – an unspoken, soaring thing that croons when she’s near him, and imprints itself upon her ribs. 

Sakura always knew she’d be with him someday. 

Kakashi walks over to her and kisses her on the forehead. 

(the flower in her heart contracts and then bursts.)

(she blooms.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there you have it! I'm so relieved to have this done. I'm sorry that it took forever to get this last chapter out. Life has been so crazy and I finally found the time to finish it. Thank you for reading and sticking with the story this long. I hope you enjoyed!


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